Forgiveness is not a feeling

Think of someone you once held in high esteem who later did you wrong.

Not just "wrong" as in they canceled your coffee date (although flaking is wrong). But someone who wronged you in some existential way. Maybe they hurt you deeply – or shattered your trust. Their words or actions cost you something.

You don't have to "like" these folks – and you don't have to convince yourself that what they said or did wasn't that bad. That would be gaslighting.

Forgiveness is not about forcing ourselves to think gooey thoughts about someone who harmed us. It is about willing their good, even if it means firing them in order to pull it off.

I learned this with two oncologists: one whose negligence nearly cost me my life and complicated my recovery, and the other who got me started on a stem cell transplant I didn't actually need. Thanks, guys.

"We will forgive, but we will not rehire."
– Lewis Smedes, The Art of Forgiving

But what about when the person in question isn't someone you can fire? Maybe it's a friend or family member. We've all been there.

My Catholic faith commands me to forgive, period. But what if you're not Catholic? Why forgive? Because resentment robs you – and no one is worth your resentment.

Do what it takes to forgive. I know it's hard and may take years. Even if it does, think of forgiveness as a silent, sober-eyed, executive decision – one that still gives you agency in how you move forward.